Trapped like a rat.

2005-11-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

I had at least the potential opportunity to have a rendezvous with the sexual adventuress I claim to have been looking for brooke skye. An attractive, sexually open woman, who was willing to experiment with both of our desires. What I found is that I am still not ready to cheat. At least, not with that level of planning. There was just too much thinking involved, and with the guilt rapidly building, all I could think about were the consequences, instead of focusing on the pleasure I really want to give and receive. I had another, half-joking (maybe fully-joking!) offer from someone to come and kidnap me for a weekend and show me what true sexual freedom can be. I laughed it off, but maybe that's what I need. God knows it's what I want. Less thinking, and more action. LOL. In the end, I still believe I'm closer to cheating on her than leaving her, but I've realized something else in the past few days...

I don't want my wife. I mean, I still love her, and I don't even want to leave her. But sexually, there is nothing there. Even when I have the opportunity to try to start something, I no longer have the desire to do so. I'm horny all the time, and the fantasies I've had with regards to the potential opportunity I probably foolishly passed up have been... well, powerful (I came 5 times within a couple of minutes while thinking aboutraven riley !). But I barely think of my wife sexually at all.

Even so, tonight we had yet another talk about it. She tried to make me feel guilty again, and I said, "Don't make me feel guilty..." She said, "Well, don't make me feel guilty. I can't help the way I feel." She's still blaming it on menopause, still swearing it has nothing to do with me, still saying I need someone younger, more open, still saying maybe she should go back her home state without me. I asked her if that was what she wanted. She said no, it really wasn't. Then she went and cried.

Maybe she's manipulating me. Maybe she's found her comfort level, and wants this for the rest of her life. The sad part is, maybe I've found my comfort level too, and am too afraid to wander away from it. Even as it kills me. Is that suicide?

my blog needs new name

2005-08-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a brief overview of people's reactions upon learning that I confronted ladyboy ... and then backed down:

*A*: "Oh my God, I hate you!"
*T*: "You'll never be happy with her."
*G* sent a wonderful email, helping me to see things by providing a snapshot of the rest of my life, with my wife continuing to play me as my life passes me by.
Loz provided encouragement and support.
And sleep assault called and chewed my ass for an hour. LOL. Not really. She strengthened my resolve, and helped me to see a future without my wife.

Thank you all. I will try again soon. I can't live like this anymore.

thisislaurens

Trapped like a rat.

my blog needs new name